Hi! I suck at updating journals. I go through fits where I update like mad and then don't update for a while. I am a fickle pickle.

Now, I need to get this out whether it's fair of me or not and I can't do it on LJ.

Stay a home moms who brag about how ahead their kids are make us working moms feel like SHIT. It must be nice to not have to work. I'd love to stay home with Aaron all the time and work on his development non-stop. But I CAN'T. And bragging about it and about how WONDERFUL of a mom you are makes me want to beat the shit out of you. I'd be a WONDERFUL mom too if I didn't have to work full-time to make ends meet.

ADLFJALSDJF[ASDFAOJGASJFLSJD!

Phew. Life is life here. I'm mostly working and hanging out with family. Jim started work full-time again on another job, so I don't get to see him as much. Blah. It sucks and it's hard, but it's necessary.

I wish the weather would perk up. I want to take Aaron outside on my days off with him.

I don't write as much, and part of it is that one of my only times to write is when I'm home alone with Aaron. He hates it when I'm on here and I feel intense guilt and like a BAD mommy who sucks at being a mommy.

I need to go get him ready for his nap now. UGH. I feel like royal suck today.

Well... I knew what I was going to post about when I opened this window, but the window opened so slow because the internet was being rude and now... I forgot. Maybe I'm getting senile! Oh noes!

I was just thinking about random stuff. I know I say I'm a nurse, but I don't really talk about it. It was a long battle to get my RN. I failed my boards three times before passing the fourth. It was a combination of a lot of things, but suffice to say it was hard because I've always been a good student and never had trouble with exams before this.

I work in a hospital on the medical floor. We get a large variety of patients there. Strangely, my favorite patients are the elderly. As much as I love kids, I can't stand to see them sick. I suppose I could analyze my reasons for liking the elderly best, but my brain done died.

About 99.9% of the time I love my job. It satisfies my need for organization and routine. At the same time, it changes things up and keeps me on my toes. I think it's the only place where I revel in the stress. I can step up to the plate there and go into a mode where I don't panic and shit just gets done. Having low self-esteem pretty much all my life, this really does feel good.

Besides that, as cliché as it sounds, I like helping people. I like easing their pain or discomfort. I like knowing I could be a positive force when they're feeling like crap, even if it's just me talking to them a little, smiling, joking, or letting them vent without being judgmental.

Granted, it wears on you, giving so much to people. And at times, it's hard NOT to judge when you get people who have created their own health problems but are either oblivious or know it, yet bitch at everyone else like it's someone else's fault. I have NEVER liked it when people couldn't own up to the shit they do. I'm far from perfect, but I always try to own up to my mistakes no matter how embarrassing or stupid.

I also like the technical aspect of it. I'm so fascinated with the way our bodies work and how interconnected they are. There is SO MUCH to the human body. So many little bity things doing so many different things. I love starting IVs or changing wound bandages. I like hanging IV medications, giving shots. It's just so much fun and it's challenging (not to say I'm sadistic and don't feel bad when I have to do something that causes the patient pain).

What I've always wanted to be was a writer, but I knew it wasn't practical. I've wanted to get into medicine since I was 14 and here I am. Pretty much I'm fulfilled by my job. What isn't fulfilled gets filled up by writing or Jim or Aaron or family or friends. I really am lucky.

Being lucky, it makes it so hard for me to understand why I have depression even if I know why and I know it hasn't always been this spiffin'. Honestly, only in the last three years has it been so good.

Ah! Dinner beckons. Enough rambling on my work. I shall come ramble later. Hopefully sooner than later.

Mood of the moment: okay

Oh man. Between work and wanting to be as available to Aaron as I can because he's still so young, it really leaves little time for updating and writing. It kinda drives me crazy because it's hard for me to strike a balance that pleases me. Mostly though, I know that he comes first because I chose to have him and I need to be the parent he needs me to be.

So, I guess, I'm apologizing for the few and far between updates that'll happen often and the lack of replying fast enough.

Jim and I started exercising today. I'm hoping with the two of us motivating one another, we'll keep it up. Besides losing weight, we honestly aren't getting any younger and I want to be healthy when I hit old age.

Augh, but now I'm tired. I worked last night, but not tonight so I only slept a few hours so as not to waste the day. So I think this is a short entry. And I shall continue to suck by not answering replies yet. Oi.

... I am REALLY REALLY sick of RP games that primarily take place on IM. Those of us who work/have a family/are busy etc., DO NOT have time to be on there 24/7. Thus, I end up not joining 99% of the games for that reason. Yes, IM is faster paced, but regular writing and replying via IJ or E-mail or whatever creates just as satisfying results, if not BETTER because you're taking the time to think as you write.

I'd really like to take one character of my own original bunch and join a neat fantasy RP. I'm just not willing to be on IM a lot because I don't have time and really don't even LIKE talking on there. Games have worked for ages without IM, so I don't know why they HAVE to have them now.

Okay. I'm done ranting.

Mood of the moment: tired

This is a random fly by update because I have so many ideas for writing and I want to get something down before I do nothing at all. I just came off three days of graveyard and I just can't get shit accomplished on my work days. Today was the end of day three, so I have to sleep half the day away to be normal. :/ But I love my job and I am SO HAPPY to be there. I'm also starting to adapt to 12s.

AND. The Redline is working awesome for me now that I'm not a dipshit and I don't drink the whole damn bottle. First night of work, 60ML worked, and then the next two nights I needed 120ML - half the bottle. But it keeps me up just enough to keep me from dragging ass and feeling tired. And it has a mood lifter. Sweet Jesus, that's a better catch than the weight loss claim to people fighting depression.

Jim and I fight over who changes Aaron's diaper. Not fightfight, but... "You change it." "No, you change it." "No YOU change it!" And so on and so forth. I changed it. He won. Dammit.

I cannot figure out whether to work on my current fanfiction or just start new ones in different genres. I know better, but I work better when I have more than one project to go back and forth between.

Some year I will answer all the replies to my posts, I swear!

Mood of the moment: crazy

I decided to start taking Selenium. I opened the bottle and it smelled like somebody had wet their pants. And then sat in it for a while. Considering I'm a nurse, I have the unfortunate luck of smelling that often. Now if that isn't incentive to take it, I don't know what is...

And I guess I lied. I am feeling the effects of no sleep. Too scatterbrained to stay on here and be productive so I shall reply to replies and posties later!

Mood of the moment: blah

Damn. I was afraid this would happen. I tried Redline for the first time yesterday and it kicked my ass. I was shivering like I was freezing, but I was burning up. I was nauseated all day and I did not sleep at ALL last night. I was awake the whole friggin' night. Not even tired! Which would be great if I was working graveyard. I thought at first I was getting sick. I had a runny nose, a sinus headache, a temperature, and a sore throat. All of that went away today.

I don't think I should've drank the whole can... Heh. I saw it was 2 servings per can, but I figured since it was an energy drink and I drink different ones all the time, I should be okay. Wrong-o.

I'm not sure if I just can't tolerate it or if it's because I'm on Wellbutrin and I'm doing some research. Apparently Redline doesn't work well with any antidepressants.

Well dammit anyway. I finally find something that really does keep me awake and I can't take it because it makes me sick... :/

I'm almost tempted to try half a can on a full stomach to see what happens. But I don't want to be awake all night again. Because I drank that other one at NOON yesterday. The one beautiful thing about it was though, I was SUPER happy. And energized.

Hmm... maybe if I could get my body used to the other effects then I could take it still. Because honestly, the shakes and heat eventually wore off. I'm hoping the sick feeling stuff was allergies (oh boy, spring, here we come!) because it happened the other night too.

Insomnia, not cool. Only cool if I'm working. Which means this stuff could get me through a 12 hour shift nooooo problem. I mean, I took an antihistamine to help me sleep and they normally knock my ass out. Didn't even touch me last night.

Nausea is not cool. So I'm hoping if half it, I won't get it again. Not too sure if it really did react with my Wellbutrin. I'm not sure exactly what it's supposed to do if it does, but I didn't feel any anxiety or psychotic urges. Felt great, actually.

Well, except for the nausea and cold symptoms...

I'm off today and Jim will be home tomorrow. So I can experiment today and if I can't sleep again tonight (can we say zombie, anyone?) then he'll be here tomorrow so I can sleep during the day before I go in.

Today, Aaron decided it would be a great day to wake up at 7AM. I think I dozed on the couch for maybe an hour before he got mad at me.

And honestly, I'm STILL not really tired.

This entry is going to be for all the random thoughts swirling in my head. I admit I find these both therapeutic and fun to update.

A talent I wished I had was icon making. I've never messed around with any editing program for, I confess, a fear of trying to figure the damn things out. That and I look at other people's icons and I just want those anyway. They're much more impressive. I need to get some more icons other than just Naruto. Heh.

It's funny to me how many people don't like country music. I can see why, considering it's mostly about love and honky-tonking etc. I just find it pleasant and it's all I can sing in karaoke. Honestly though, I grew up on it. My grandpa sang in a band when he was alive and he played country from old on up to current all the time. Plus, country often mirrors real-life, minus the dark side of it... Well, sorta. It's not exactly death metal.

Speaking of death metal, Jim loves it. Well... death, gore, grind... I like the hard-hitting sound of it, but the 'rawr' effect of the singing kinda puts me off. I like to understand what I'm listening to so then I can sing along. I definitely cannot sing along to that. It'd kill my voice. Makes for good music when you're writing a fight scene, however.

Speaking of country music... Since there are tons of songs about bars. I am the kind of girl that cannot go to a bar alone. I'm too shy and I get weirded out when guys that are yucky hit on me. So when Jim and I weren't together, my grandma went to the bar with me. XD But it was because that's where the karaoke is.

It's funny how when you're in a relationship that is just it, you don't really look at other guys or want to be hit on. Granted, I see a guy and I go, 'oh, he's cute' and then I move on. And the only way I knew Jim was it, was there were no red-flags. We just immediately connected and were comfortable with one another. Helps to have simliar likes and backgrounds though. We moved in after the first three weeks. Which was definitely not something I would have done with anyone.

I confess I have an obsession. Vampires. At one time, I ran a community that was pretty much strictly vampire characters. I miss it a lot. Thinking about it, I know vampires actually are freaky and I don't think I'd want to be attacked by one. But they are a lot of fun to write about. Sometimes I really get the itch to write for them again and I am working on a novel (that needs a lot of editing), but... The community writing is much more fun with tons of people. Still, writing communities seem to die so easily and I don't have the time to run one. And if the Anita Blake series hadn't degenerated into a sex-fest, I would've kept reading past Obsidian Butterfly LOVE Edward. He rocks. For a human. ^_~

Oooh! My buffalo chicken strips are done in the oven. Woo! I love these things, but they really kill my digestive system. Still, I eat them. Because I am a food addict. If there's one thing I like to do more than writing, it's eat. Which is why, at 5'2" I'm 153. Ouch. I've battled weight all my life, but this is definitely the heaviest I've ever been. If people wouldn't keep asking me if I'm pregnant all the time or 'when are you due?' it might be easier to embrace my full-figure. That and you just see hot chicks everywhere wearing clothes YOU want to wear.

It was so funny earlier. Our ant problem is getting better, but now we're getting a few ants here and there that are the flying kind. There was one on the floor and Aaron started running it over with his truck and then hitting it with his hand. Gross, I say. I just hope he doesn't eat them... Also, Jim taught him how to make monkey sounds, and every stuffed animal he picks up now he makes the monkey sound. XD

Winter is kicking my ass. It's drying my hair out, breaking my face out, and giving me canker sores. >_<

And the fandom I miss the most is Final Fantasy VII. Though the new games and the movie made it more popular again, it's hard to find people to write with on it that rock it like it used to be rocked. Except my sister. She's awesome.

Wow. I think I ran out of stuff to say for the time being...

Hi IJ-land! How goes it with all of you peoples? Things are good here. I'm on day three of four off. I wish they could last a heck of a lot longer though... :/

I rarely talk about my extended family on here much. Not because I don't want to or am so private, just because I don't think about it for some reason. However, I realize my error, as they make for interesting drama-filled journaling.

I have a lot of siblings. One of them is a 25 year old brother who works as a Corrections Officer. Now before I started this job at the hospital in January, he made more money than me. I make about 30.83 an hour if I work graveyard, so you can imagine he makes good money too. The reason I tell you this is not to brag, but to show you how ridiculous his behavior has been.

He's not a bad guy. As a matter of fact, he's pretty nice most of the time. Then about a year ago he got a girlfriend and moved her in with my mom. He lived with my mom too up until last few months. They didn't pay rent. They only bought groceries once a month and then they only bought food THEY wanted to eat. His girlfriend is messy and didn't clean up after herself. She was also slowly trying to take over my mom's house and deciding how things should go there. As well, she was rude to my grandma who also lives there.

Now, my grandma can try the patience of a saint sometimes, but my brother's girlfriend was just rude for whatever reason she felt like. I was/am irritated by their behavior. In my mind that's taking advantage of my parents. But since my mom put up with it, I can't exactly say anything to them.

My grandma babysits my baby for me while I work and I pay her. She doesn't work anymore and only gets about $600 dollars a month from SSI. Which is pretty damn lame, if you ask me. I'm not looking forward to getting old, except me and Jim intend to have retirement. I'm already paying into my work's version of a 401K and after I've been there a bit, work with match it.

But I'm getting off topic. ^_^;

So one day my brother's girlfriend, who we'll call A. so I don't have to keep typing out 'my brother's girlfriend'... Anyway, she says to my grandma that it isn't fair that my baby is always there on her and my brother's days off because it 'irritated her'. Well, my baby is a good baby. He's going through the terrible two's, but we got really lucky with how good of a baby he is. So that remark was unwarranted for that reason, and also because it's my mom's house and she LIKES having Aaron there.

Shortly before this, A. goes up to my mom with my brother in tow and informs her that they're pregnant. She tells my mom that if my mom doesn't pay her and my brother the money my mom made on my brother's credit card (this is a different story entirely :/) that she will have to have an abortion. WTF? What kind of thinking is that? They make good money. They shouldn't even be living there to begin with.

A. says it's because they can't 'buy a house' if it isn't paid off. Personally, I think A. is getting ahead of herself. People don't get to buy a house right out of their parent's homes; they rent like everyone else. But she's too good for renting (well, she was until my brother's dad offered to rent them the extra house he has).

So the day after she says that about Aaron, I come to pick him up after work and I'm pissy about it. A. and my brother aren't there. My mom is annoyed by her saying this too and about everything else, so she writes them a note telling them that it's not their place to say that about Aaron and that they need to clean up after themselves and contribute more.

The reason she wrote a note is because when they get pissy they stay in their room and ignore everyone and won't talk to them. They were still mad about my mom not paying the money right away (she IS going to pay it, she just can't afford to pay it right now) and so she couldn't talk to them about it. My brother got home, saw the note and came up to my grandma in the living room and says 'you're fucking stupid!'. That pissed me off, so I got up and told him not to talk to her like that. He wads up the note my parents wrote an throws it in my face.

He goes tearing up the stairs after that to yell at my parents, so I chase after him. I'm pretty mad about what he said to grandma and throwing the note (it actually hurt because he hit me in the glasses) so I tell him off. Then he goes back downstairs to his room to talk to A. who is staying there the whole time. My parents come downstairs and I tell them what he said to my grandma and what he did to me. My step-dad gets pissed off and tells them if they're going to act that way then to just get out now.

So they moved out that day in with my brother's dad. Since then, they refused to talk to my mom until she 'apologized' and said she couldn't see the baby. WTF? Now, you tell me what my mom has to apologize for? They were the ones that took advantage of her and treated people that lived there like crap.

I'm not fighting with them, because I don't want to fight with my brother and it's my mom's business whether she stays mad at them or not. But today I saw them in Ross and I talked to them. They're having a boy and I want to give the baby some stuff. My grandma was with me and she walks by and then calls A. a 'liar'. A. IS a liar, but Ross isn't the place to have it out. Especially not when my grandma went up to her and got in her face and then grabbed her, turning her around to make her listen.

I completely get that my grandma is upset. I don't blame her at all. I just don't want her getting thrown in jail for assault. My brother called my mom and told her that if my grandma did that again, he was calling the police.

Now, A. is a cling-on, controlling wench. My other brother says he can't get any alone time with my brother, because A. is EVERYWHERE he is. Now, I love Jim. But that doesn't mean I want to be everywhere he is 24/7.

But if my brother is happy, then it's his business if she's like that. I just don't want to alienate any part of my family. Even if I think they're both being stupid. A. and my brother, that is.

Uh, I can't figure out how to do cuts on here to save your friends list. I thought it might be like LJ, but I tried that and it didn't work. Anyone know how?

So that's my family drama! Woo!

Nothing new to report here on me. Heh.

Mood of the moment: nauseated

I've got to go run some no-so-fun errands, so I shall reply to all the replies hopefully later. I've got to work graveyard for the next three days and it's 12 hour shifts now... 7PM to 7AM. Oh, save me!

Anyhow, wanted to share: Tweak says, "CHICKENS!!!"

CHICKENS!!!! I love chickens. They're so dorky as they walk around pecking at the ground.

Mood of the moment: apathetic

I'm restless and I want to channel it into some writing, but I have no idea what to work on. I'm in kinda a bad mood so I need to write someone pissed off I think. I just don't have anyone pissed off at the moment... :/

I also need to go sing karaoke. I haven't done it in forever and singing gets rid of so much restless energy. It's great therapy. I can sing around the house, but it's not the same as being in front of people with a microphone.

... which is funny, really, because I'm actually pretty shy. But it's like when I get up there, I just sing to the song and I don't feel so shy. But I can't dance so I never know what to do with my body.

I like all sorts of music. Except rap and regular opera. Oh yeah, and R&B and other stuff in that genre. But I can only sing country. I like country, but yeah, I'd like to be able to sing something else once in a while...

Well, hell... (wanders off)

Mood of the moment: bitchy

We were gone pretty much all day yesterday. We decided to be silly and go to a couple of casinos so we can lose money and feel like idiots. XD However, the time out together was nice. He'll be starting back to full-time work anytime and we're trying to cram in as much adult-time together as we can.

Jim (hehehe, my fiance, better write this so everyone isn't going, WTF?) used to drive semi-trucks, but then he got sick of it so he joined the Pipefitting union (they weld giant pipes and other stuff I have no idea what it is). The hours suck, but the pay is good and when you have bills... Blah, as you all know you can't just work whatever the hell you want. Bills AND kids kinda make working a must. Damn. There goes my idea of being a bum.

Anyway, he's been laid-off since January because that job he was on was coming to an end. Cool thing is, he can draw unemployment while he waits on the list to be called up for another job to work on. So having him home has been awesome, especially because these last couple of months were my training months for my job and they workdays were all over the place.

My grandma watches Aaron (my baaaaaybeee), but I was afraid that the crazy hours would wear her out, so I'm really glad Jim was here to watch him until I got settled into my three days a week shifts. That's the awesome part... the 12 hours that they will be is not. :P I'm hoping I can handle it because it's so nice to work three days in a row or two in a row and then have four or three off. I'm used to working nursing home hours: four on two off. Those kill you. By the fourth day you want to kill all your patients and anyone that comes near you. ^^;

I'm a dork. Aaron is sleeping so I was watching him as I walked to see if he was still sleeping and I walked my head into the computer desk. Ouch.

Oh! Love this Ipod. It plays songs that take me so many places in my writing. John Mayer - My Stupid Mouth just came on and it completely reminded me of Harry Potter. My sister, , and I like a very unconvential pairing I don't think I've seen often: Ginny and Krum. XD This song completely works, because Krum always says stuff to Ginny that sets her off.

... Man, that really makes me want to write Harry Potter stuff. I think I'm going to have to spring that on her on our writing community. She writes the best Krum I've ever seen. And I'm not biased, honest. ^_^ If you're curious of her writing, got to fanfiction.net and look for 'paopao'. Then you shall behold the writing talent of my sister of which I am envious.

Lost my train of thought... Had to go change Aaron and give him his morning banana and juice. Oh! Now, he's 19 months almost 20. Everyone was talking about the terrible twos before he was even born. I though, what are they talking about? When he was born he was the BEST baby, and I'm not kidding. Now... some alien stole my baby and replaced him with a monster. I swear, the kid spends more time yelling at me and Jim than he does anything else.

Mantra: itwillpass itwillpass itwillpass.

Good thing we decided not to have anymore children. I lovelovelove them, but I'm not sure I want to do this toddler phase again...

Christ, I'm long-winded. I better end this entry and go reply to comments and read up on my friends list before this takes up 50 pages.

Mood of the moment: unusually chipper!

I would never have bought an Ipod. I just didn't consider it because they're expensive and I didn't think I needed one. But then Jim was awesome as he usually is and bought me one for my birthday. Now I can't see how I lived without it! I love writing while listening to it; it puts me in my own little music world. Plus, if someone is watching TV while I'm writing, I don't have to worry about music interrupting it or hearing the TV over my music.

So, in short, Ipods are rockin'.

It's very strange to be walking past the mirror and glance in and just catch the side of your face; and there, in the side of your face, you see your mom. Not that I'm bitching. My mom isn't ugly or anything, but it's odd to get older and look more and more like her.

I am consistently writing for the first time in months and DAMN does it feel good. I used to think I sucked if I wasn't working on something personal and somehow cheating if it was fandom-realted. But now I don't give a shit so long as it's writing and stretching my creativity. All writing flexes the writing muscles and helps me continue to try to get better at it.

It also helps to be writing in an environment that is pressure-free and helps foster your ability to do it. My sister and I have the 'no writing is bad writing' mentality at our community. It's just the two of us, so who cares if it ends up being shit so long as it advances the thread. Though I can't help my stupid perfectionist urges and try to make it the best reply I can within my limits.

Right. Enough babbling there. I'm in a hellatiously good mood today so I gotta grab it and run. I don't think I'm as moody as I think I am, but sometimes, I'm telling you. It feels like I'm walking around dragging myself behind me. Though it does seem less so now that I'm not in a job that stresses me out. I'm working on my inner voice being nicer to myself and life in general too.

I'm not sure how correct this is, but I sometimes wonder if part of it is writing withdrawal. I've been expressing myself and emotions in writing for so damn long that I think when I go through too long of NOT writing I start to feel it. Like withdrawing from a drug. XD Oh man... Who needs heroin or cocaine or meth. I have writing!

Oh yeah! I've only seen a couple of ants in the last day or so since the ant dude came. I'm so glad. It was getting downright gross. Still, it's a hell of a lot better than the giant spiders we had at our other house. >_< Those fuckers were huge beyond reason and not distorted AT ALL by my own fear of them.

Crap... I can't find my Ipod plug in thingie so that I can download more songs. Noooooo... Must find it.

I think I said much of what was swirling around in my head, but if not you can expect an attack of more entries! You have been warned!

Mood of the moment: cheerful

Shit, I'm tired. Getting back into graveyard after not doing it for almost a year is suckass. There's pros and cons to every shift and I honestly can't say which one I like best. I hate getting up early. But I hate nightshift sometimes because it gets boring... I'm just hard to please.

Sometimes, I think I ought to embrace the fact that I'm going to be slightly or more slightly overweight forever. I love food too damn much. Why the hell do they have to make it taste so good if it isn't good FOR you?

... The subject is the first thing that popped (I write pooped first) into my head and all I can think about now is FF8 and Squall. Ahhh... Nostalgia.

Jim got me a Siruis Satellite radio for my car for Valentine's day. It has an all Elvis channel and I've been listening to it non-stop. I've always liked Elvis, but for some reason I'm really hooked on his music right now.

Doo... Waiting for my food to get done in the oven so that I can eat and get a little sleep. Want to write more, but I'm feeling lazy because I've got to transfer writing threads from mine and my sister's GJ community to here in order to continue working on the Final Fantasy 7 stuff. And the Harry Potter stuff... I'm getting an itch to write for Snape... Though right now Naruto is my prime focus.

I need to get to bed. I'm feeling supremely bitchy. It's so hard to focus and have distractions when you're drop dead tired without wanting to kill something.

Mood of the moment: exhausted

Uh, yeah. Am behind on the updating-ness. Went on a lovely three day vacation and am now on the last day of a not-so-lovely four day graveyard work run. However, now that I'm working at the hospital I am very much happy. Well, as happy as one can be when having to work... Even IF you like your job.

Our house has been invaded by giant, ugly carpenter ants. They gross me out. Luckily, we just had an exterminator in yesterday, so hopefully they'll be gone soon. They don't hurt anyone... They just creep me out. Not as bad as spiders, but enough.

My novel has been sitting untouched for a while. I'm not really sure why, as I was going really well on it. Not SUPERDUPEROHMYGOD, but steadily and I liked the characters. Well, still do like. Am I afraid of failing? Of it just not appealing to me anymore? I start so many things writing-wise only to find out it wasn't what I wanted to write or to get writer's block or just to stop writing on it. I honestly dislike that about myself. I don't like being wishy-washy. But I am. Not just about this either.

I've come to accept my faults a lot better than ever before though. And not to apologize for them unless they're hurting other people. Nobody is perfect and whether I like it or not, I'm flawed. Though it does sound cliche, people ARE more interesting with flaws. More fun to write too.

Mostly, anymore, I either write with myself or with my sister. She's my writing soulmate. Our writing meshes, our ideas mesh, and our characters mesh. It's a match made in heaven. I tried, however, writing on a Naruto RPG. It just never works out like I think it will. I seem to easily forget the things about writing with a group of people that annoyed me enough to drive me out of actively participating in RPs. Must be kinda like forgetting how much it hurts to have a baby. That way, we'll do it again and again and again!

So, really... It's just that anymore RP writing lists have gone to AIM even if the actual writing is posted on LJ or GJ or whatever. I don't have time to get on AIM and if you don't, you really can't seem to get in the loop enough to write with anyone. I miss the days of PBEM! Yes, I'm an old foggie in that I started writing in E-mail and it was my preferred way. Those were the days when all the chatting took place in an E-mail community and everyone could get in on it all the time. If you have a busy RL, or just aren't into AIM (like me), then you're kinda screwed.

It makes me so sadly nostalgic. God, I miss the e-mail writing days...

Maybe I AM getting old... I started on-line writing almost ten years ago.

Okay, enough about this. I've got to go post myself out there to nab some more friends and try to get a little writing done with my sister.

Although, I just realized... I like the one on one writing in a private community; which is what we do. I wouldn't mind trying that with someone else who was looking for a writing partner.

lol. Sounds like I need to take out an ad. Like in the personals...

Mood of the moment: nostalgic

Can someone tell me what the point of dryer sheets are if you still have static cling when you take everything out of the dryer? These were the Bounce kind too, supposed to be good, I guess. We inherited them from my fiance's father when he passed away. Which sounds very strange... But I think it was better to use everything than to let it go to waste.

In any case, this strange rambling aside, we buy the cheeper brands and they work better. Go figure. Or maybe our dryer is broken... I don't know, but this is one of those ponderings of life, I can tell. Countries will fall unless I find out the answer.

I am slightly sarcastic, very bitchy. I've got this headache that won't go away despite taking something for it. It's not, I tell you, lovely to be female about once every month.

Aaron was helping me do laundry. Only, everything I took out of the dryer to put into the basket, he put back into the dryer. Which was cute, but slightly frustrating.

I am CRAVING sweets. Notice the all caps. The craving is enormous and there is nothing here I can have that will satisfy. Which is done on purpose by myself because I'm trying veryveryvery hard to lose about 25-30 pounds. God that seems like enough to birth another toddler. >_< And though I've managed to lose 16 so far, it seems very daunting.

I think I'm going to wander off and read a magazine now.

Well, it's not really a good morning, just... a morning and I'm still trying to wake up. Though 10AM is probably a good time to get up. Heh.

I'd nearly forgotten I hadn't updated this yet. I only got it a few days ago and most of yesterday was spent in town. Getting my hair done, woo hoo! My hair stylist tried a few shades of darker red than usual, and wow. I think I'll go down again. It almost looks brown. I'm having a hard time finding the red. Here's to hoping it looks decent when I style it.

I love my child. I do. He hates it when I'm on the computer and stands next to me 'yelling' at me. He hasn't really learned to talk a lot yet, so his idea of yelling is just kinda screaming 'aaaah' at me. And it's loud. And it really grates on your nerves.

I love him at every age, but sometimes I wish he'd either shrink back to a little baby or grow up faster. But that's usually when he's screaming at me as he is now. It makes it really hard to get any writing done when he's standing next to me demanding I get off. And then comes the nasty chain of guilt...

Irritation because he won't stop yelling at me. Then I can't get done what I'm doing because I try to focus, but it's hard to focus over a yelling toddler. So then I start to feel guilty for being on here and not paying 24/7 attention to him. In the end, I get off and go play with him.

Alas, it's a vicious cycle. It's so hard to strike the balance between letting him learn to be independant and paying the right amount of attention to him.

Being a parent is about a bazillion times harder than being a nurse. At least in nursing you really know where you stand and you can see the outcome of most of your care. Or at least you can tell that it's working. Being a mom is like freefalling without a net.

But I still love it. :)

The weather here has been volleying between snow, rain, and sun. I love to look at snow and watch it fall, and occassionally play in it (I am so intolerant of the cold. >_<), but I really don't like driving in it. This is Washington, so I kinda get sick of the rain all the time (but I so love it here I'd never live anywhere else. It's green and pretty here.). So... ah, the long-winded point I'm trying to get to is that I wish it'd sunshine a little today!

But. Like any good fickle little female, if I get TOO much sun in the winter, I whine about wanting some cool weather. So then when it gets TOO cold... You get the picture. However, my favorite season is Fall. I love when the air gets crisp and the leaves turn and we still have mildly warm weather but it's time to bring out the pants and sweaters. XD

... It's kinda sad that I could pontificate about the weather for probably an entire entry.

We just got done moving, so we've been without internet for over the past few weeks. I have barely written at ALL and it's really stranger... You'd think I'd be going crazy with the need to write, but I can't quite make myself do it. I'm not certain if it's sheer laziness (quite possible) or maybe the fear it'll turn out like shit? Heh.

I did NaNo the last two years. I finished neither year, but got a start to a novel each time which rocked. The first novel needs major overhaul and so I'm really focusing on the second. It's coming along really well and the characters are just writing themselves. I'm trying to embrace the NaNo philosophy the entire time I write this, but sometimes it's so hard to overcome my control freak issues and not plot the entire thing out.

But this has now become my motto thanks to NaNo (modified, of course): The first write through is for writing, the second is for editing. So I can't critique anything I write. I just have to pound it out and not care if it sounds lame or weak in areas. I can fix that later!

And how dumb is it that I never fully realized this until NaNo? I used to worry about perfect writing the first time out and it would stall me and I'd give up on longer pieces. Now I just write whatever and worry about the rest later.

I'm still annoyed with myself for not realizing this though. Makes you feel kinda stupid. Or maybe a lot stupid...

Wow. I think this is a long enough of a rambling entry. Gotta save something for later or I won't have the need to ever update again.

Mood of the moment: complacent